UPDATE:  I am now living in Arizona.  Somehow, through a leap of faith, we sold our house, Michael quit his job, and we pulled off a cross country move to Arizona.  It was time for a change, both of his job and our lifestyle.  Michael interviewed for a job in the parking lot of a truck stop in Oklahoma, got the in-person interview when we got to Arizona and was offered the job just a few days later.  He was unemployed for all of like 13 days.

He Thanks for taking the time to learn a bit more about me.  I am 38, live in North Carolina and am married to a great man, Michael.  We are about to celebrate 14 years together.  We have no kids (on purpose) except for 2 dogs and 3 cats.  My obsessions are running, orange food, my dogs/cats, and most Bravo TV.

I started this blog as a place to talk about living a full and rewarding life without children.  We made this choice together and have been defending it to those around us ever since.  I have been told it is rude to ask about religion, sex or politics but apparently asking someone when they are going to reproduce is not too personal or rude.  We don’t hate kids or people who choose to have kids.  We just don’t want any of our own.  Resources around the topic are hard to find.  So that is how it started.  But has turned into everything that I choose to spend my time on: travel, baking, cooking, running, working out, shoppping, etc.  Anything is fair game!

  1. ha. I love that quote “all unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy” 😛 i saw that at our humane society last week and I couldn’t stop laughing

  2. Hey! Thanks for putting me on your blogroll! I have plenty of friends who didn’t have kids…some just because and some by choice. I HATE when people give you shit for your personal choices.

    There are a helluva lot of people who HAVE kids but never should have reproduced. Well, in my opinion.

    Bully for you!!1

  3. LOVE IT! I also love it when I tell people that kids aren’t my thing and they respond with “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” REALLY…you know me that well, huh!

  4. haha! Love it! You sound very much like me! We just recently celebrated 14 years also! We have two ‘kids’- cairn terriers.

  5. We’ve been together for over 9 years. We’re kidless, but not by choice. (Although we were kidless by choice for the first 7 years we were together.) I will NEVER understand why people think it’s ok to ask when you’re having kids. None of your business! My most hated comment is: “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own.” Ummmm, understand what? Understand how to be patronizing with everyone who hasn’t spawned yet? My younger sister’s kidless by choice and she’s so tired of people telling her that she’ll change her mind. She’s already over 30, so it’s not like she isn’t already all grown up.

    (Sorry for the comment section rant! This one strikes a chord with me!)

    • Welcome! And thank you for reading. I definitely agree with patronizing. We could fight back with them not understanding about having sleep, sex, money, pick one! Or I am going to start responding with “how much money do you make?” It is a less personal question and yet somehow is viewed as rude to ask.

  6. Hi there – a fellow “childless-by-choice” friend, here! I have found that once you’re in your mid-40s that people begin to quit asking — guess they figure I’m too over the hill to risk it and they don’t want to encourage me! Hah.

    True story – an acquaintence asked me one too many times about when my husband and I would have children. I’d had it — 20 years of being quizzed, called either “selfish” or “unfulfilled”, etc. I kind of feel bad about this now, but I was sick of the inquisition. So I put my best mournful-looking face on and replied, “Well, it seems that you’re assuming I CAN have children …”

    They were horrified and so apologetic. I do feel a little bad now, but really — people don’t think! How did they know I wasn’t one of the millions of couples who couldn’t conceive but dearly wanted to instead of one of the millions of us who probably could but don’t? It’s not your business either way, folks, and what would be annoying to someone like me could be seriously hurtful to someone who wanted to but can’t. Think first, then zip it.

  7. And of course, what happens when you are in our fifties is that people ask about your previous marriage, on the assumption that you can’t a) possibly be married to the same person for 25+ years and b) there must be some kids somewhere? surely?

    Sorry, hello. Just had to add to this before I read the rest!!

    • Thanks for reading! I do find it interesting, how everyone just assumes I would want kids and that I must not be able to have them. Although that ventures into “insensitive” territory. It is a choice. I understand how kids happen and chose to prevent it.

  8. *your* fifties, although you are not, but I am … edit if you choose

  9. I also have not had any children by choice and hear all the time about how I just have to have at least one. I will never understand how others try to push the issue and make those that choose not to have children uncomfortable. It’s funny to actually see all those comments about what people hear because those are all the same things I have heard!! Thanks for your posts!!!

  10. Wow, it is amazing how many people hear the same exact comments that I have heard!! It really does get annoying after hearing the questions about having kids over and over. I think the worst one is people telling me that I “HAVE” to have at least one when I choose not to. Thanks for the post!!

  11. Enter another child-free gal + husband by choice. I want a tax credit for NOT having kids and saving gobs of community resources.

    • I have always felt the same way! Why do people USING the tax-funded services get a tax credit? And those of us that don’t, pay more. I don’t think it is wrong to say that having children SHOULD cost you more money and be expensive.

  12. I have some friends who are on government assistance, get tons of help from their families (financially and every other way), get HUGE tax credits every year…and then have the gall to look down their noses at me and my husband and tell me “You’re not getting any younger, it’s time to have kids” OR “It’s very bad for a marriage to be childless”. One even told me the other day, “I guess the Catholic church knows what they’re talking about when they condone no birth control–seems like not having kids makes marriages tense” as if to imply that my marriage was worse than his simply b/c we are childless and he has two children (both unplanned). I was incensed!!
    I have a great marriage and my husband and I enjoy peace and quiet, two loveable dogs, having disposable income to go out if we feel like, time to work out and stay in shape, and time to travel if we’d like to. We haven’t said “No kids, ever”, but just “Not now, not soon” and it’s amazing how many people butt in and think you want their opinion, when I don’t.

    I have a theory: Not all, but most couples with kids are secretly jealous of losing that freedom they once had and the only thing that can make them feel slightly better about that change in lifestyle is to have everyone else around them be in the same boat. I mean, none of them will tell you, “It’s awful, I totally regret it” b/c that would just make them bad parents. But I’m sure they have many sleepless nights where that thought creeps in…

    Sorry….I have my on and off days: days where I don’t mind kids so much and it seems like MAYBE they could be fun….and others where I get bombarded w/ annoying questions and made to feel like I’m an inferior woman and human being for not having children yet. This week is def. an “off” week!:( I appreciate these comments and your blog!

    • Thanks for reading. I have friends, with kids, that completely appreciate time away from their kids. It suggests to me that there can be a balance. But it doesn’t change my mind about not wanting them.

    • Violinista.. interesting theory.. my theory is that most people have children because they think it will bring them a love they’ve never had before.. and then.. it does.. 10% of the time.. and the other 90% they are vowing to NOT have children in their next life. ahaha mom of 3 boys

    • HAHAHA i totally agree with you on the fact that a lot of people with kids regret it. It’s just a fact. Good for you for sticking to your guns! I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend 5 years. I constantly get the marriage and babies questions. I have no desire for either in the immediate or distant future. Just want to live life!

  13. I just stumbled upon you blog from SR’s page. I too am childless on purpose and have to constantly defend myself! People keep insisting I’ll change my mind – I’m 41 people my eggs are old!! Geez! I was lucky enough to meet a man my age who has no children and doesnt want any – he’s like the holy grail of men – and we are getting married on Oahu next year. I look forward to reading your blogs that don’t include antics about children 🙂

    • Thanks for reading! Its is the general assumption that there is “something missing” from my life that gets me. There is no hole to fill and nothing is wrong. It is my choice. What is so wrong to say “I just don’t want to?”

  14. I love this! It is your choice – you go girl!

  15. Nice! I just came across your blog today, so I’ll be going back and reading from the beginning (I have a sick obsession).

    I just got engaged in February and am choosing to remain childless. I’m sure as soon as I’m married, the questions about kids will start and it will be nice to read how you’ve handled them, as a guide.

    • Congratulations on your engagement. And thanks for reading. Just answer no. And leave it at that. It has gotten easier. Some people assume some sort of childhood trauma or fertility issues. But it is no one’s business really. And you shouldn’t feel forced to offer an explanation! I always found it amusing that sex, money and politics are supposed to be off-limits but my reproductive life is fair game. You could take the route of answering a question with a question. I would go with “how much do you make?” Or “who did you vote for?” Hahahaha

  16. Kalli and Bill

    Finally another woman and couple who don’t want kids! How refreshing 🙂

  17. I think I love you. Stumbled here from a recommendation off of my sister in law’s blog (lowandbeholdblog). My hubby and I are in the same place- been together 8 years; we love children…we just love to GIVE THEM BACK to their parents. We have 3 dogs. I hate having to defend myself. Thank you!

  18. PallasAthena7

    Found your blog through another, and we’re also married and childfree. It’s so nice that this community is building. We’ll celebrate 10 years in March, and our marriage is founded on the fact that neither of us wanted children. (It’s one of those dealbreakers for both of us, and we feel very lucky to have found one another.) I hear the “you’ll change your mind” thing at least once a week, followed closely by the “I guess some women are just selfish” idiocy. I don’t hate children, and I don’t hate people who have children. I just don’t WANT children. Seems simple enough to me. 😀

    Rock on, ladies!

    • Thanks for reading! It is amazing the things people will say. I personally like, “I just can’t imagine my life without my kids.” Then you are just not trying hard enough!

  19. Jaime Sutton Schaden

    Stopped by from a post on Carrots ‘n’ Cake, stayed to check it out. Nice blog! I’m not in the same situation as I do have a child, but I just have the one. My husband and I actually get a different but no less annoying question/comment: “When are you going to have another?”/”Your little one really needs a brother or sister.” My answer (which works if you have pet children too!): “This one is housebroken. Why would we want another?” Hee.

  20. Stumbled on your blog from ROTR’s, and so glad to have! Im 30 and have no kids, two cats, and parents desparately wanting grandkids. I tell them to start nagging my brother about it and give me a break. Admittedly I have used the “unable to have them” excuse once when i’d reached my limit. I think they’re great and I love being an aunt but I get to give those back at the end of the day!! It’s not like there’s a shortage of humans and we are in desparate need to repopulate the earth!!!!!

  21. IIm so glad I found your blog!! I love your tag line, because i have the same “attitude” hahaha
    I also livei n NC (just moved here last year and ADORE it!)

  22. just found you through RER – you are living my dream. I’m 29 and don’t want kids but am constantly told a lot of the things already posted here. You can live a fulfilling and happy life without kids. I actually think it is more possible to accomplish this without kids, which is why I don’t plan on having them. 🙂

    • Thanks for reading. I can honestly say, for me and my husband, there is nothing “missing.” We will celebrate 15 yrs next week and are just fine spending our resources on the things we want to do. Stay strong.

  23. Christina @ livedreamrun.wordpress.com

    How refreshing it is to read this! I have had so many people ask me what I’m waiting for because I don’t have children. I’ve been successfully shutting them up with my usual response of “I’m LIVING. Do I appear unfulfilled or unhappy because I don’t have a child? Last time I checked, I’m doing everything I set out to do, and I love my life just as it is.” To me, that’s what happiness is…being grateful for what you have, and not dwelling on what’s missing. If only everyone thought before opening their mouths…

    Great site! 🙂

  24. Totally agree!! I tell my friends all the time, “it’s not for everybody,” and, “you are saving the the world for the rest of us!” We completely LOVE the time away from the kids and the “couple” we are outside of being parents. And we have twins, and people ask inappropriate questions all the time. As my mama always told me, “if they are inappropriate enough to ask the question, they don’t deserve the real answer.” We have fun lying all the time!!

  25. I just found your blog and I’m so happy! My husband and I are completely decided yet, but we’re pretty certain we don’t want children either. Already I’m getting flak for the decision. It’s nice to know there are others out there!

  26. Love your explanation! I don’t need to reiterate what all the comments above had said, so I’ll just say that I agree!
    I love to travel and that’s what I choose to spend on. My friends with kids love to say to me…”you’re going on vacation, didn’t you just go away?” with just that hint of judgment. To which I just say “yes” with a smile. Clearly they’re jealous 🙂

    Very excited about finding a new blog to read!

    • Welcome! I was laughing to myself this morning about something similar. I can pay to put my dogs in “camp” for the weekend so that we can run off to Vegas for our anniversary. I am pretty sure I would get arrested if I paid psuedo-strangers to watch my kids and put them in a cage for the weekend. I find it amusing.

  27. YES! Glad to see I am not the only ‘selfish’ one out there who feels the same! I got it alot more when I was younger (in my 20’s-30s) now 40, I think everyone realizes, this is the way it is going to be. My poor MIL, husband is any only child, thankfully, she never pressured us or drilled us about it.
    So happy I came across your blog, I feel we have alot in common. Married 12 yrs w/2 dogs, love to travel, volunteer, hike, exercise and find new, healthy recipes.
    Soo excited to hear that you up and moved on after 14 years, I would LOVE to do that with my husband some day! (even if it is only from MA to NH!)

    I hope you are loving AZ.

    Look forward to reading!

    • Welcome! Here is another thing in common, I was born and raised in MA! Still have family in MA and NH. My husband is (Was) the kid hope for his family. And his mother DID push. For a VERY, LONG time. She thought I was withholding children from DH (and her) and it took years for her to realize that it was a decision we made together.

  28. I am so happy I found this blog!! My husband and I have been together for 15 years (but married 9) and we are still constantly asked when we are having children. It is sonfrustrating! We made the decision not to and so many people find it hard to accept 😦 I think people have a hard time understanding because I’m a teacher and assume since I’m surrounded by children all day I would want to be around them all night as well.

    • Welcome! Thanks for reading. I have a friend, a teacher, that once told me that she was looked at oddly for not having children. She since has had a child, but i have heard that before. Teachers must want kids because they surround themselves with them.

  29. I’m so happy to have stumbled onto your blog! I read Peanut Butter Fingers and occassionally look through the comments. When I saw your blogger name I knew I had to check out this kindred spirit. Me and the hubs have been together since high school and married 11 years now. We adore our neices and nephews (we’ve got alot both blood and honorary) and we relish in our role of spoiling of them and taking them on fun trips but also adore giving them back when we’re done with our excursion. I know great parents and not so great parents and I have no missconceptions of what it takes to be a great one. I’m honest enough with myself to know I don’t want to make those sacrifices.

    I do love all things outdoors from hiking to fishing to shooting to you name it, all things fitness, spending time with the hubby, our two dogs & six chickens (we recently moved to the boonies) and have recently started loving Crossfit and running. I am currently training for my first 1/2 marathon coming up in Feb. 2013!

    Looking forward to following your posts!

  30. Mr. Jeremy Schmuki

    I found this site because it was listed near the results and photos of the race I did this past Saturday at Pass Mountain. I read that you think yourself a god by deciding not to have children but call yourself “married” The purpose of legitimate marriage is to have a natural environment to raise children. The Jewish/Catholic history attest to the fact that God is the source of life and to deny God’s plan directly by any forms of unnatural vices (birth control) is to revolt against natural and divine law. God owns our bodies not us…so we must follow true revealed Religion and “animal instinct” which is pro propagation of life: the survival of the species. If one wants to remain childless they must remain virgins and not upset the designs of nature by the anti-nature products called birth control…and the truth is that people today have many children but don’t realize they have aborted them due to all the methods that only prevent implantation after conception and not preventing conception itself.

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment. I disagree with your view and would comment that the concept of “parenting” is missing from your statements. Just because someone can, doesn’t mean they should. All views and opinions are welcome and hope that comments are meant to encourage intelligent discussions around any topic.

  31. Finding your blog is one of the best discoveries this week and I’m sold!
    My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we have also chose to be childfree. I tell people that we are childfree not childless. I feel that it’s very rude of people questioning us on why we don’t want our own kids and am getting very frustrated and tired of being asked constantly why we don’t have our own kids? They assume we are selfish and loaded and should be sympathetic to their hectic life and lack of sleep. Ummm..duh! You should have known that babies cry at night and poop into their diapers before having kids.
    Like you, we don’t hate kids or people with kids. We just dislike people who think that they are better than thou just because they have kids. Worse if they have spoilt free-range kids who thinks that a cafe or restaurant is a playground and hogs the whole walkway with their Range Rover sized buggies.

    • Welcome! And thanks for taking the time to comment. People assume that there is some hole that needs to be filled. Nope. Or that I am somehow missing out some big part of the experience of being a woman. Nope. I love my husband. I love my family and friends. And their kids. I just don’t feel the need to have my own.

  32. So glad to find more people who are childless by choice. My husband and I have been together for 19 years – 9 dating/living together and married for 10. We both knew we never wanted children. Everyone thought we had changed our minds after we finally got married, but we got married for us – not so we we could reproduce. We’re happy with dogs instead of kids!

  33. Congrats on the move to AZ. I saw your post on FB to Phil and was a little confused. I hope you are well and enjoying the change in climate. Megan lived there for awhile and I think she enjoyed it. Keep in touch!

  34. I think I probably will want kids eventually, but I definitely understand why people don’t. In fact, I wish i felt like that myself!

    The thing that really bothers me is when people say you are “selfish” for not having kids. I have never understood that and it makes me horribly angry. How is it possibly selfish? If anything, it’s selfish to create a whole new person just because.

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